My Lenten promise for this year is to stop trying to be or make situations perfect.  Instead, I vowed to try and look at myself and situations the way that Jesus would. So far, so good.

It has been difficult on occasion to give up my perfectionist ways, but ad majorem Dei gloriam, (To the greater glory of God.)  Giving up perfectionism has helped me tremendously.  Like right now for instance.

I had planned on writing this journal and getting other work done while my son napped.  Instead, I am typing these words while simultaneously holding my toddler who is snoozing on me.

Our son has been struggling with sleep since before his second birthday. (He is currently 27 months.) 

Really, he has never been a great sleeper and the only thing that has helped was sleep training: (SLIP/CIO (cry it out), remember this is a judgement free zone, you do you.)

He has streaks of glorious, lengthy, independent sleep. Then BAM, back to screaming, wailing and charging around his crib like a solider ready for battle.

About half hour into his nap yesterday, he woke up ANGRY.  Screaming bloody murder and calling everyone in the house to come get him.  He even screams for the dog who starts to shake and cower in the corner and then the cat who takes off and hides somewhere quieter.

We try to wait a couple (torturous) minutes before going in hopes that he might go back to sleep.  Over the monitor we could hear him screaming, “No! No! No! Open! Open!” (meaning no nap, open the door!)  I prayed Hail Mary after Hail Mary, yet he still screamed.

Today, he went another half hour and the screaming began.  So, I improvised.  Yes, I would much rather have had him sleep so that he would be less cranky and so that I could get some work done.  
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But snuggling him while I write this journal is nice and a moment I will hold onto when he is a crankier teenager that doesn’t necessarily want his momma. (I’m almost crying thinking of this.)

Progress not Perfection

Within my Lenten resolution to give up perfection, I have quickly realized that in order to succeed, I must also give up the perfection of giving up perfection.  I will make mistakes along the way and slip up, but this Lenten resolution just requires me to dust myself off and try again.

“Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You are perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that.” ~Saint Frances de Sales

The easiest thing for me to stop being perfect about is exercise.  Before, I would really get down on myself if I didn’t exercise, as fitness greatly helps my anxiety.  Now I realize that while the endorphins that are exerted during exercise are beneficial, missing out on a few workouts won’t cause my anxiety to rear its ugly head.  What will induce anxiety is to stress myself out about not exercising.

So, on days where I can’t get a good workout session in, I have gone for a walk with our son, danced around with him or just didn’t exercise at all, called it a wash and didn’t give it a second thought. 

The hardest thing for me to stop being perfect about is my work.  I love to work and I love my “job.” I’ve always loved to work and especially now that I am doing something that I am very passionate about.  It is very difficult for me not to give 100% and more, specifically, to not finish everything on my to-do list.  

During this Lenten season, I have realized that I have unknowingly tied part of my self-worth directly to my work.  My mother, husband and I founded a nonprofit (see here) almost eight years ago in memory of my grandfather who passed away from esophageal cancer.   Perhaps that is why I have such a hard time not giving perfection at work. 

The odds are very poor for those diagnosed with esophageal cancer and the factors concerning this horrific cancer are dire, urgent and stress inducing.   The charity has the potential to save lives (something I know we have done) and I frequently feel like I’m working against the clock.   

Also, since making this Lenten promise I have surmised that my perfection at work comes from knowing that since I can’t bring my grandfather back, I can at least keep his memory (and since then, the memory of so many others) alive through the charity. 

But I bet that my grandfather (and everyone else) would not mind it if I don’t finish everything off of my to-do list every single day.   In fact, I’m sure my grandfather is happy to see me stop work in the evening to instead go downstairs with my family and dance with my son.   It was my grandfather who would hold me as a little girl, cheek to cheek and dance around the living room. 

My grandfather’s (and everyone else’s) legacy and love are not measured by how much work I do in a day or even how much we can accomplish through the charity.  It is measured by the love that I put into each bit of work that I perform - whether it is perfect or not.  My Lenten promise has reminded me that it is Love that never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:8.

How is your Lenten promise going?  Please share with us on ​Facebook. ​

As always, thank you for reading.  God bless you and may the Blessed Virgin Mary be with you always!

I have rarely ever succeeded in carrying through my Lenten promises of giving something up.   Give up social media? Failed.  Give up gossiping? Failed.  (Don’t worry, I’m really working on that one and drag myself to confession when I do gossip.) Give up chocolate? HA! Give up sweets? Not more than a week.

Since I have a proven track record of not being able to stick to my promises (I’m sorry, Jesus, I really am), I have decided this year that instead of trying to strengthen my willpower on some things (like chocolate or sweets) that won’t really make me a better person, I will instead work on giving up perfection.

(I know, giving up gossiping will make me a better person, but I need to give up perfection even more.)

I am a self-proclaimed “type-A” person.  

While I don’t think that I will ever be able to change the fact that I am type-A, I will use this Lenten season as a time to force myself to relax a little on some of those tendencies. 

For me, when I think of the fact that I am type-A, it goes beyond list-making, planning, preparing and multi-tasking.  My “type-A-ness” comes from wanting to have control over some aspects of my life.  I’m sure that it also stems from my anxiety and having that control helps to regulate the anxiety.  However, being type-A, for me at least, means that I am trying to be perfect.

But, I’m human, I am not perfect.
Jesus Christ was and is perfect.
But, he doesn’t expect me to be.

So my Lenten promise for this year is to stop trying to be or make situations perfect.

Instead, I am going to try and look at myself and situations the way that Jesus would.

I’m going to stop the….

Perfection of always keeping the house clean at all times.
Perfection of always getting my work done way in advance.
Perfection of always feeding my son only the healthiest and most wholesome foods.
Perfection of always doing the laundry and putting it away immediately.
Perfection of always feeling like I can do more
Perfection of always feeling that I am not enough.
Perfection of always putting everything else before enjoyment.
Perfection of anything that doesn’t have to be done or thought about or worried about in that moment.
 
How Do I Plan On Giving Up Perfection
 
So that I don’t fail before I begin, I’ve decided not to plan too much for this.

Besides checking out the book “Grace, Not Perfection” by Emily Ley from the library, I don’t have a plan.

It’s foreign to me since I literally have an excel spreadsheet dedicated to plans and lists for both work and personal tasks.

But to be honest, it feels good.
I almost feel like I can do this.
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No, I know I can do this.
I can give up perfection for the things that don’t matter to benefit the people and things that do.
 
What is your Lenten promise for this season?  Please share with us on ​Facebook. ​
As always, thank you for reading.  God bless you and may the Blessed Virgin Mary be with you always!

​The most valuable piece of advice for me that I learned from her experience is that when fasting, it is imperative to keep super hydrated.   Looking back, I definitely did not implement this and can see why it would lead to the sick effects.   Apparently, we get a lot of our water from food and when you aren’t eating, your body requires you to supplement the loss of water from food with, well…water (and other things.)
​
How Did I Accidentally Fast?

It is actually my son’s doing.  First, you see, if I never had my son then I would have never been a mom, I would have never founded Catholic Mom Rhode Island, I would have never followed OneHailMaryAtATime on Instagram, I would have never seen her post and I would have never read her blog.

Second, my son asked me and my husband if we could have pizza and watch a movie.   Mind you, we did this ONCE in his two years of life and, apparently, he really loved it.  I mean, who wouldn’t?  My heart swelled at his initial request, as it affirmed that he truly is our son.   Before having our son, my husband and I used to love our date-nights in where we would watch a movie, eat pizza and relax. ​

Our little love asked us on Wednesday and we assured him that on Sunday, we would order a pizza and watch a movie.  I thought he would forget by Sunday, but his steel-trap mind reminded us each day until Sunday evening.  When the pizza was delivered, his delightful squealing of “pee-uh” (pizza) and “mooy” (movie) was hysterical.   What was even more hysterical was my son staring down the pizza delivery man, perhaps thinking that he wouldn’t be giving us our food.  I’m just glad he didn’t tackle the poor guy as my husband paid for our food.   

For the most part, we try to eat very healthy.  I try to avoid gluten as much as possible and limit dairy (☹) as it seems to wreak havoc on my body.  While I have never been formally diagnosed with any food sensitivities, over the years, I have realized which foods bother me more than others.

My excitement that our son loves pizza movie night as much as we do, plus the fact that I am sick of cooking each night, plus the fact that I was exhausted come Sunday evening equaled that I ate too much dairy and way too much gluten.  My stomach hurt within minutes of finishing my meal and I felt awfully sick until the next morning.  

Have You Ever Been So Sick You’re Afraid to Eat?

That is exactly what happened to me.  After how my stomach felt all night, I was petrified to eat.  I woke up extremely thirsty and drank my entire water bottle.  With my stomach feeling a bit better, I even worked out in the morning, which I normally do on an empty stomach, but then didn’t eat anything after.  Come breakfast time, I still didn’t feel any hunger, even while cutting up my son’s waffle, which is one of my favorites.   Instead, I drank more water and my son and I went on with our morning.    

Around 9:00 AM, I realized that I hadn’t eaten in 16 hours.  I was amazed.  I had been drinking water all morning, more so than usual, but hadn’t felt hungry.  I decided then that I would continue my fast and see how long I could go or at least 24 hours.

This year, 2018, Ash Wednesday is on February 14th, which is also the Feast Day of Saint Valentine.  In secular society, it is known as Valentine’s Day. 

I saw a meme online indicating that “Ash Wednesday falls on Valentine’s Day” and that fact, along with the fact that “Easter falls on April Fool’s Day” makes it a “weird” year for Catholics.

To that I say:

Ash Wednesday is greater than Valentine’s Day.  
Easter is MOST DEFINITELY greater than April Fool’s Day.
And…
It is not a “weird” year for Catholics.  It is an awesome year for Catholics.

 
Why is it an Awesome Year for Catholics?

For this journal’s sake, I will focus on Ash Wednesday and St. Valentine’s Day.
In Part II of this journal I will tackle Easter, which falls on April Fool’s Day, which also happens to be my “dateaversary” with my husband.

Ash Wednesday is greater than Valentine’s Day.  The commercialized, secular Valentine’s Day.   Not the Saint Valentine who was executed for defending his Christian faith, St. Valentine Day.

To Catholics, February 14th is usually St. Valentine’s Feast Day.   I’ve wondered how many people who celebrate secular Valentine’s Day know that this “holiday” actually stems from a real person, Saint Valentine, being murdered in February, what is now considered Valentine’s Day? 

I know that sounds a bit morbid, but if you are to celebrate a holiday, shouldn’t you understand the history behind it? 
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You can read more about Saint Valentine’s history here. 

In short, as I mentioned above, Saint Valentine refused to renounce his Christian faith and for that, he was executed.

​I think that it is perfect that Ash Wednesday and the Feast Day of Saint Valentine fall on the same day this year.

​But, of course, Ash Wednesday trumps Saint Valentine.
But, Saint Valentine would have wanted it that anyway.

I believe that Saint Valentine would be less than thrilled that his Feast Day has been distorted into a secular holiday where people buy each other cards and gifts, many feeling obligated to do so and others feel left out if they are not in a relationship or have someone to celebrate the day with.

Some would argue that Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love.

But celebrating love doesn’t only mean purchasing a $6 card in the store.

Love is something that should be celebrated every single day and in each moment.
Even the moments we don’t feel love.
Love is love even when we don’t even want to love.

As Mother Angelica stated, “Love is not a feeling; it’s a decision.”

Love even when your husband left his socks outside of the hamper for the millionth time.
Love even when your wife forgets to turn off the light in the bathroom at night for the millionth time.

Life is short but love doesn’t have to be.
Because, as Saint Theresa of Calcutta stated, “at the end of life, we are going to be judged on the basis of our love for one another.”

Ash Wednesday is the perfect reminder of that.

​“Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.”
I believe that Saint Valentine would be honored to give up his Feast Day for one of the holiest days of the year.
Ash Wednesday opens Lent, which is a season of fasting and prayer and leads up to Easter, when we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

What better love story is there than the love Jesus Christ has for all of us?
On Ash Wednesday, we receive ashes on our foreheads.
Not only do the ashes “symbolize penance and contrition,” they also remind us that our “God is gracious and merciful to those who call on Him with repentant hearts.”
​
This Ash Wednesday, I will remember how much God loves me and you. 

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life.  
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.
Whoever believes in him will not be condemned, but whoever does not believe has already been condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.” (John 3:16-18)



As always, thank you for reading.  God bless you and may the Blessed Virgin Mary be with you always!
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I used to get really upset when my son would wake up early from his naps.

During his nap-time I get a lot of work done and I mean a lot. I try to work as efficiently as possible during his nap so that I don't have to cut into family time in the evening or stay up too late and miss out on quality time with my husband at night before we both pass out after watching two minutes of television. I already wake up very early to pray, exercise, shower and work so I heavily rely on these naps.

So when he wakes up earlier than usual, it's very stressful and I know it means I'll have to work that night.

The aggravation from the shortened naps may also be me still reeling from the fact that our son was not a good sleeper until he was well over a year old. In fact, it was around this time last year that we finally started to sleep train him.

Before that I would do what I'm doing now: lay on our bed with him sleeping on me as I try to get as much work done from my phone as possible. Except today he's much bigger, over 30 pounds of solid toddler and I've searched how much weight ones sternum and ribs can take until they break as I struggle to breathe.

As with all things, God gave me some gentle reminders that time is fleeting and children aren't young for long.

Today, as I felt a wave of annoyance as I heard his first cry for "mama" over the monitor, God reminded me that there will be a day, not too far off in the distance when my son and I will be separated.

He won't be by my side all the time. If he's upset I won't be able to calm him; if he's sad I won't be able to cheer him up; if he's nervous I won't be able to reassure him.

One-day I won't be able to provide these immediate reliefs to his needs. One-day he won't be a little boy. One-day he won't be in the next room.

God also gently reminded me of what a blessing it is for me to be able to work from home and care for him.

So many other parents are separated from their children and have to work outside the home. God made me very much aware of all these things today as I begrudgingly ran into his room to retrieve him from what I believe to be a nightmare.

So while it may be stressful and upsetting that my little love didn't sleep for his nap so that I can work, it's temporary.

I know that one day I will wish these moments back.

So for now, I will hold my sweet, precious, miracle boy so that he can sleep, I will finish writing this journal and just enjoy this sweet and fleeting moment.

​Thank you, God for the reminder and this wonderful, beautiful child.